The monopoly on violence

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More revelations from Charlottesville

These gentlemen went along to show their support for fascism at the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, on August 12th — or were they auditioning for the reshoot of the cover art for this (appropriately titled) famous 1970 album?

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(With apologies to Mr Black Sabbath, who has no association with these people or their values.)

Nine hilarious wardrobe malfunctions — don’t injure yourself when you see the last one

Wardrobes. Everyone’s got one. They are supposed to be icons of stolidity and reliability so when they go wrong, the results are hilarious.

Hilarious wardrobe fail no.1

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This one has a broken foot and fell down. Ouch! The embarrassment! Epic wardrobe fail!

Hilarious wardrobe fail no.2

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This wardrobe also has a broken foot and it fell on and killed some stupid cat. Nice malfunction! LMFAO!

Hilarious wardrobe fail no.3

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On account of her Alzheimer’s, Gran uses this one as a toilet. Mal-odour-function!

Hilarious wardrobe fail no.4

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Kids like to hide in wardrobes because they feel safe and out of sight. But don’t go near this one — it’s a secret portal that leads to a magical alternative reality with snow queens and talking lions. Don’t leave your kid in here, it’ll get nicked by an witch or something.

Hilarious wardrobe fail no.5

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This wardrobe contains the key that would unlock it if anyone could unlock it to get the key. Hilarious fail!

Hilarious wardrobe fail no.6

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And this one contains a skeleton — or several. I wonder whose it could be … More to the point, I wonder who they could be!

Hilarious wardrobe fail no.7

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This one contains that one thing you’ve been looking for all your life. Now go get it it! An out-of-this-world fail!

Hilarious wardrobe fail no.8

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This is the wardrobe that used to contain a lot of gay people, but they all came out and now it has died of loneliness. Aaaaaaaah! Fail!

Hilarious wardrobe fail no.9

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This one was an ICBM silo (neat disguise, huh?) When it fell over the warhead detonated destroying the house and the city, and triggered a nuclear war that vaporised the whole planet. Now there are no more wardrobes to malfunction.

 

Tweety tweety tweetvert

Chris Page

Tweetverts for the recent book, Sanctioned.

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All my own work (the tweetverts and the book).

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I tracked down the actual fonts used by The Sun and copied their typography for maximum tabloid effect. (Any echoes of Barbara Kruger may not be entirely accidental.)

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Engagement with my tweets has noticeably gone up since I started bleeping out these.

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Made with InDesign, Photoshop, and lots and lots of tea.

Yes, you may commission me for graphic projects. Tweetverts for the recent book, Sanctioned.

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Bollocks to Blair

Tony Blair holds no elected office. Tory Blair represents no one. Tory Blair is a has-been. Tory Blair trots around the globe selling his bottom to any vicious dictator that needs a PR job. Tory Blair is ethically and intellectually empty. Tory Blair is a war criminal.  So why oh why does the media hang on his every word?

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So, who’s been posting stuff on social media without checking its authenticity, eh?

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This ominous ‘Welcome to Australia’ image has been doing the rounds, posted and liked by people ranging from the intelligent and humane to the dibblingly imbecilic — oddly all, within the Cannibal’s line of sight, Brits who clearly feel the Aussies have a thing to two to tell us and are keen to show their righteous disapproval of freeloaders, especially, you know, foreign freeloaders.

Fine. No one likes a scrounger.

One problem here: this photograph isn’t real. The photo isn’t real and the issue behind it isn’t real.

The fact that the ‘sign’ is posted on a country road in Australia, a country that has no land borders, probably ought to set those critical thinking bells ringing.

The image is a Photoshop job. No such sign was ever made by the Australian government.

The image was apparently created and disseminated by an Australian race hate outfit called Freedom of Speech Productions (you can see their logo imposed on the picture), which is associated with the Australian Tea Party (still no alarm bells ringing with the people who posted it?)

It’s a  shoddy fake too. You can actually see the background through the corners of the ‘sign’ thing. Oops!

Clearly the image taps into the myth that there are hordes of people coming over ‘here’ (insert name your country) to sponge off ordinaryhardworkingpeopleeveverywhere, and bring the state to its financial knees, steal the gold from your grandmother’s teeth, etc., etc.

You might be interested to know that not so long ago there was a study done to identify these foreign scroungers in the UK, and find out just how much they were costing the country. You might be even more interested to know that the study was unable to find any of these alleged spongers. The problem is you see, they don’t actually fucking exist.

Not only are they not a millstone on the necks of ordinaryhardworkingpeopleeveverywhere, they just are not.

The scrounging hordes were made up by the tabloids and UKIP and the right wing. Funny how we didn’t hear about that study in the Telegraph, the Mail, the Sun, the Express, the BBC, etc.

Go figure, eh.

Reality check: you can’t claim benefits in the UK if you are not British or an EU citizen. Simple as. Even more simple than that, you can’t claim benefits in the UK even if you are a UK citizen if you are not ordinarily resident in the country. Not even if you are married to a Brit or the progeny of a Brit. Just not a happening thing.

So all this talk of sponging, freeloading, scrounging hordes from other countries is bollocks. Absolute bollocks. And then more bollocks. It is the absolute Platonic form of bollocks for fuck’s sake.

Of course people admitted as refugees will get limited state support. But it is very small, as is the numbers of people — small handfuls — admitted to the country is minute and will have no discernible impact on the economy (except to contribute to it when they start working).

If we want to talk about freeloaders — and there is a conversation to be had about freeloaders — perhaps we could start with Google, Starbucks, Amazon, who are foreigners who DO come over here cap in hand and then pay little or no tax on business done within the UK. Look at the recent deal done between the Conservative government and Google, which let the company off something like 80 per cent of its tax bill. Imagine if you or I went to the tax man and said ‘I don’t feel like paying all this, so let’s do a deal.’ Yes, we’d end up in prison.

Just for fun — because I know at heart you are a rationalist — here’s scrounging and sponging and freeloading in actual numbers:

Social Security Fraud 1.7 Billion

Social Security unclaimed 4 Billion

Tax evasion and avoidance 120 Billion

So welcome to your reality check. If you want to be taken seriously check your facts. Credibility is not free.

British prime ministers: a brain spotter’s guide

3980674-3x4-700x933Margaret Thatcher

— 1879 to forever

Killed a lot of Argentine people to curry favour with a catatonic home population. Bottled the unions and ordinaryhardworkingpeopleeverywhere while introducing free market fundamentalism.

‘Trickle-down’, they called it when it was actually ‘piss on’.

 

The man who wasn’t there

— Whenever to whenever (No pictures exist)

The man who wasn’t there was most notable for calling his own cabinet members bastards bastards, for which deed alone he ought to be commemorated as the best prime minister Britain ever had, but somehow even that achievement has failed to render him a legacy or even a shadow in the national memory.

Tony BlairTory Blair

— 1997 to too long

To be fair to the guy, he did calm things down in Northern Ireland, but this achievement was totally overshadowed by war crimes such as invading Iraq and Afghanistan, turning the Labour party into Tory lite while sucking deeply on Margaret Thatcher. As sane as a bag of hallucinating hair clippings.

His initials are shorthand for tuberculosis.

Gordon_Brown_inv_x200pxGordon Brown

— 2007 to 2010

The man with all the charm and charisma of a an old cushion much urinated upon by the family dog. In 2008, when the free market fucked up and threatened to take us all back to the ice age, he stepped in and gave all your money to the failing banks who then used it to give their execs boner-sized bonuses.

Essentially, in his vision and presence, he was Labour’s version of John Major.

 

pig_inv_x200David Cameron

— 2010-2016

Fuck’s sake! Sexual molester of dead pigs, Eton rifler — called a referendum on membership of the EU in order to shut up the more rabid wing of his own party assuming no one would turn up to vote, then watched as the tabloids led the Tory rats in hanging a swastika over the country. He reacted by running away, escaping any consequences for his actions. Gormless, entitled, inbred retard.

Oh, and did I mention he is a fucker of dead pigs?

May_monster_inv_cg_x200y272Theresa May

— 2016-2017

The woman who looks permanently like she just found a cockroach in her mouth. Was against Brexit, but drew the short straw when Cammers ran away with his pig, became the unelected PM in charge of taking the country out of the EU she wanted to stay in. Seeing a chance to kill the opposition and get her own way in everything, she leapt at it and lost both her majority and her political legacy. Into the bargain she lost whatever small credibility she might have had left by shoring up her failing government with a gang of barking medievalists.

Now read on.

medieval_torture_saw_x200pxThe DUP

— 2017-the end of the world in fire and brimstone with gnashing teeth

Collectively, the current prime minister despite the fact that no one in England, Scotland or Wales voted for them. They are ‘shoring up’ Theresa May’s failed government to the tune of a 1 to 1.5 billion quid bung. The chief DUP’s chief witch was flown to and from London from her lair to the tune of £20,000 of your money — or two years’ university tuition for your kid. But the DUP have a quaint and endearing olde worlde kind of side to them. For example, they believe that gay people are an abomination, that climate change doesn’t exist, that the creation story in the Bible is real, that witch dunking is good for the soul, and they harbour a deep and irrational resentment for winning a war against their Catholic neighbours in the 17th century.