Ten things you definitely shouldn’t do while holding scissors

Here are ten things you shouldn't do while holding scissors: 1) Use the toilet. 2) Attend the school dance. 3)  Jump off the high dive at the public swimming pool. 4)  Go skydiving. 5)  Walk into the Louvre. 6)  Show up at a hospital nursery. 7)  Look your best friend in the eyes and say, … Continue reading Ten things you definitely shouldn’t do while holding scissors

Owning a Daughter

Owning a Daughter is, as every parent knows, a bittersweet experience. After crossing those magical Rubicons in your growing girl’s life, from cutting a first tiny tooth, through cutely speaking her first girlish words, bunching tresses, purchasing an inaugural grown-up dress, earnestly watching romantic Disney films, to stabling her first little pony, arrives the ‘awkward … Continue reading Owning a Daughter

Challenging situations no.02

Think of an occasion when you personally had to deal with either a challenging situation, or a difficult person. What was the main concern, how did you tackle it, & what were the consequences? Becoming conscious- that I was simply a landless, itinerant, fungible, expendable, within a suicidal society, feverishly cannibalising greed, fear, & malignant narcissism: one … Continue reading Challenging situations no.02

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone, so please excuse brevity, spelling & punctuation Sent from my iPhone whilst dieting, so please excuse an 8-point-font Sent from my iPhone during a senior moment, so with all due respect Missy- excuse spelling & punctuation Sent from my iPhone clad head-to-toe in hard-wearing corduroy whilst tuning pianoforte along the Cotswold Way, so pitched perfectly- excuse punctuation … Continue reading Sent from my iPhone

Russell Howard: the obituary

Obituary: 2020 is shaping up to be, without question an annus horribilis, for many reasons; not just because of our farkakte Prime Minster & assembled conservative clowns, but for the unanticipated depletion of UK light entertainment & great British games shows. Sadly we’ve whispered tearful adieus to many tragically departed troupers, the like of whom … Continue reading Russell Howard: the obituary

Tory Twats — no.27 in an infinite series — Lord Bethell

The Right Royal Cockwomble Award, an all-too-frequent honour bestowed exclusively by The Cannibal’s Gazette. The Right Honourable The Lord ‘Jim’ Bethell Lord Bethell this week reassured a nation of dispossessed teens whose life chances have just been shit away by a Tory shit-making algorithm that having your head forcibly held in a bucket of liquid … Continue reading Tory Twats — no.27 in an infinite series — Lord Bethell

Challenging situations — no.01

Think of an occasion when you personally had to deal with either a challenging situation or a difficult person. What was the main concern, how did you tackle it and what were the consequences? ‘I was supervising my twin albino Badgers whilst at play outside our cosy suburban home whereupon I noticed a silly argument … Continue reading Challenging situations — no.01