The Cannibal’s Gazette Keir Starmer interview

CannGaz: Thank you for joining us Sir Keir. The Tories have been dishing out government contracts worth billions of pounds to their donors and old school friends, in many cases these people were not experienced or competent in the areas of expertise for which they were paid. So while they got fat, they failed to deliver the services and people died. What do you have to say to the people and the government about that, and what’s your strategy for tackling this problem of cronyism?

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: OK. Regardless of the problem of cronyism, the government’s pandemic response has been inconsistent, incoherent and clueless. At a critical time, Johnson not only missed Sage meetings but actually went on holiday. For a time, he relied on a policy of herd immunity, which would have killed tens of thousands. Given that tens of thousands have actually died is it not reasonable to assume they’ve maintained a covert herd immunity strategy, that lives have been lost when they could have been saved? Why hasn’t Labour called the Tories out over this? 

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: Matt Hancock has broken the law over non-disclosure of PPE contracts. Why haven’t you called for his resignation?

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: And what about that Corbyn thing? You promised unity and then banished the man that represented the thinking of half of your party when he spoke up to point out that the allegations of antisemitism were confected. 

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: And when you expelled Corbyn you tacitly accepted these lies about antisemitism. You played the Tories game for them. Why did you not reject those allegations and pin a medal on Mr Corbyn?

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: Labour under Mr Corbyn came up with a lot of compelling and popular policies among which was the resolution that climate change was an urgent threat that must be addressed head on. Yet, we’ve heard nothing from Labour recently on this subject. Are you going to let the Tories get away with running this narrative too and lead the way to boiling the actual atmosphere off this planet?

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: And how are you going to persuade labour to stop voting against its own interests by repeatedly voting for capital and get them to vote for themselves instead?

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: The only idea you’ve come up with is union jack underpants for all Labour supporters. Have you already run out of ideas or did you have none in the first place?

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: Some would say that the Tories with their corruption and incompetence have on many an occasion handed their collective arse to you on a plate — flambéed, smoking, with a little flag inserted — and Labour has politely declined to accept it. 

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: It’s hard to think of any way they could have made it easier for you to tear them down. 

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: This ‘long game’ thing is just bollocks, isn’t it. 

Sir Keir:

CannGaz: Well, thank you for talking to us. But, one last question. Sir Keir Starmer — are you actually breathing?

Image by Chris Page

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