UKIP news – Nigel Farage is not a fish

A UKIP spokesperson today confirmed that leader Nigel Farage is not in fact a fish.

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Not a fish.

‘I can confirm that Nigel is not in fact a fish,’ said the UKIP spokesperson, speaking on condition he not be grilled or turned into a piquant carpaccio.

‘He just smokes like a fish,’ the spokesperson who isn’t a fish either added.

Responding to the point that Farage has aligned the party with some of the most notorious fish in Europe, the spokesperson insisted that Farage had done nothing of the sort.

‘These fine fish are ex-fish. They have confirmed in writing that they are strictly former fish and that they have renounced fishiness.’

Said Paul Dacrefish, political analyst of the Daily Haddock, ‘Old Nigel is no fish. He’s a bit of a piscine head, but he’s no fish as such.’

World Cup: England storm through to next round

Yes, despite losing their first two games, England are a dead cert to go through to the next round of the World Cup in Brazil if they beat Costa Rica by 27 goals to nil, and if both Italy and Uruguay are annihilated in an alien pitch invasion.

A football pundit
A football pundit