Why Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security

by Malcolm N. Poop, Conservative MP for Great Fisting

Without a doubt, Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security. He’s a threat to your family, your home, your job and a threat to next Christmas.
In fact, he’s the greatest threat to national security since Hitler’s armies were massing across the Channel and getting ready to invade. A greater threat than Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction. A greater threat than the entire nuclear arsenal of the Soviet Union. Make no mistake, this man is a threat to national security.
More than being a threat, it is well known that Jeremy Corbyn eats babies. Lots of them. All the time. Babies for breakfast, babies for lunch, babies for tea, tiffin and dinner.
Oh yes, he’s a baby eater all right. A baby-eating threat to national security.
Even as you read this, he’s probably at your house eating all your babies. He’ll probably eat your wife too if he gets half a chance, and then eat your dog and the goldfish out of your pond.
And let’s be clear about this: having eaten your babies he’ll go next door and eat your neighbour’s babies. Then he’ll come back and eat all the furniture in your living room including the television.
No, this man has no idea when to stop.
Then he’ll go to the office and eat your job too.
That’s how voracious he is.
There, you see, irrefutable proof that Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
The only way to stop him is to write lots and lots of articles for the Daily Mail explaining how dangerous he is and how much he likes eating babies.
And that’s just what I’m going to do.

Special interview with David Cameron

Today we bring you an exclusive interview with the prime minister of the United Kingdom: Mr David Cameron.

Cannibal’s Gazette: Mr Cameron, thank you for agreeing to talk to us.
David Cameron: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Germany has agreed to take hundreds of thousands of the Syrian refugees that have flooded into Europe, but Britain has agreed to take only 24,000 over two years. Why such a difference to Germany’s response?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Moreover, there is a government plan to deport the children of refugees when they become 18 years old. What is the thinking behind that?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: ISIS. The government said that it would not bomb ISIS in Syria, yet RAF drones are doing precisely that. What’s that about?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Those drones seem to used as assassination tools, targeting British members of ISIS. These people are being killed, yet there is no due process. How can you justify an assassination programme?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Does the government keep a hit list of British ISIS members with the intention of killing them?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Badger culls are based on bad science, they are expensive and have no effect. How do you justify persisting with them?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: You have promised to be the greenest government this country has ever seen, but you are stopping funds to green projects. Is that not inconsistent?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: The policy of austerity has been discredited by many economists, is unpopular with the people of this country and leads to suffering. Why do you cling to this policy?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Are you going to report on or investigate the deaths of people from whom benefits have been withheld?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: In what way is Jeremy Corbyn a threat to national security?
DC: …
CG: Prime Minister?
DC: Look, if you are going to sink to gotcha questions, I’m afraid I can’t go on with this interview. Goodbye.