Exclusive update on those Conservative-DUP negotiations

No progress in negotiations on forming new government as DUP too busy dunking witches today.

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Why Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security

by Malcolm N. Poop, Conservative MP for Great Fisting

Without a doubt, Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security. He’s a threat to your family, your home, your job and a threat to next Christmas.
In fact, he’s the greatest threat to national security since Hitler’s armies were massing across the Channel and getting ready to invade. A greater threat than Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction. A greater threat than the entire nuclear arsenal of the Soviet Union. Make no mistake, this man is a threat to national security.
More than being a threat, it is well known that Jeremy Corbyn eats babies. Lots of them. All the time. Babies for breakfast, babies for lunch, babies for tea, tiffin and dinner.
Oh yes, he’s a baby eater all right. A baby-eating threat to national security.
Even as you read this, he’s probably at your house eating all your babies. He’ll probably eat your wife too if he gets half a chance, and then eat your dog and the goldfish out of your pond.
And let’s be clear about this: having eaten your babies he’ll go next door and eat your neighbour’s babies. Then he’ll come back and eat all the furniture in your living room including the television.
No, this man has no idea when to stop.
Then he’ll go to the office and eat your job too.
That’s how voracious he is.
There, you see, irrefutable proof that Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
The only way to stop him is to write lots and lots of articles for the Daily Mail explaining how dangerous he is and how much he likes eating babies.
And that’s just what I’m going to do.