The Right Royal Cockwomble Award, an all-too-frequent honour bestowed exclusively by The Cannibal’s Gazette.
The Right Honourable The Lord ‘Jim’ Bethell
Lord Bethell this week reassured a nation of dispossessed teens whose life chances have just been shit away by a Tory shit-making algorithm that having your head forcibly held in a bucket of liquid shit by Etonian jissom-jockeys until you drown is an excellent life lesson.
The good lord wrote on Twitter, ‘I fluffed my A-levels. Taught me how to hustle. First to get a place in Univeristy. And haven’t stopped ever since. Grades are great, but grit and perseverance win every time.’
Hustle? Bethell is an actual hereditary peer, a member of the House of Lords, a position his father had only to ejaculate into his mother for him to attain. Dear Daddy didn’t even need to squirt near Mummy Dear. It is possible that Dominic Cummings simply electrocuted Daddy Bethell’s gonads causing him to discharge into a petri dish, wherein the little Bethell zygote grew — right there on a bench in the hallowed House.
Despite the best education Daddy could procure, young Bethell still messed up his A-levels. Yet according to his tweet, he sprouted hustling skills, and hustled his way into the University of Edinburgh. What does that mean? Did he barge in and squat behind a wall of Daddy’s heavies who pile-drove into the ground any bailiff who had orders contrary to Bethell’s entitlement? Did he kidnap the Chancellor’s dog, or beat the beak with chains until he signed the assent? Did Daddy just drop a meaty-beaty bribe?
Yet a small ray of self-knowledge penetrated Bethell’s scabbed-over soul because in his very next tweet he apologised: ‘Congratulations to everyone who took A-levels and my profound apologies to anyone who felt my earlier sentiments were insensitive. I know this year is different to any other and I wish good luck to everyone in what the chose to do next.’
A bit like his A-levels, he fluffed the apology. ‘Congratulations to everyone who took A-levels … ’ Thing is, no one ‘took’ A-levels: this is the heart of the problem, just as no one ‘fluffed’ them because you can’t fluff something you haven’t done. The kids were assigned A-levels based on their DNA, postcode, and degrees of separation from Dominic Cummings. That was it. The actual fluff is the stuff the Tories covered the fucking algorithm story in before waving it at the oiks.
Bethell, along with being a twat, is Minister of Innovation at the Department of Health and Social Care. Had he gone to school properly he might be aware that ‘conservatism’ and ‘innovation’ are antonyms. Had he spent less time hustling he might have learned that ‘Univeristy’ is spelled ‘university’ and doesn’t take upper case. He might also have learned that ‘in what the chose to do next’ is something only a chinless deluded nob with a nose full of grouse feathers might write.
Lord Bethell styles himself as ‘Jim’ because he wants to be seen as an ordinary bloke. He is nonetheless an extraordinary twat.