Exclusive: That Jeremy Corbyn-Xi Jinping meeting — what they really talked about

Corbyn - Xi - Cannibal's Gazette

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Ukip candidate wonders “what happens when renewable energy runs out?”

A second look-in for UKIP today: What happens when renewable energy runs out? Well, that will happen in about 4 billion years when the sun runs out of fissionable materials.

Incidentally, UKIP persons, that’s the sun in the sky, not the newspaper of the same name.

Ukip candidate wonders “what happens when renewable energy runs out?” – Mirror Online.

The person pondering this big question was not the UKIP and Chelsea fan on the Paris Metro, but Victoria Ayling, UKIP candidate for Great Grimsby.

Chelsea fan in Paris Métro video posed in picture with Nigel Farage | Politics | The Guardian

One of the Chelsea fans in the Paris Metro racism incident in which supporters stopped a black guy from getting on the train while making racist chants turns out to be a big fan of UKIP’s Nigel Farage. The linked article includes a photo of the two together.

Chelsea fan in Paris Métro video posed in picture with Nigel Farage | Politics | The Guardian.

It has also become apparent that the Chelsea supporter, named as Josh Parsons, went to £30,000-per-year Millfield private school.

What is it they say? Birds of a wotsit do wot together?

UKIP news – Nigel Farage is not a fish

A UKIP spokesperson today confirmed that leader Nigel Farage is not in fact a fish.

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Not a fish.

‘I can confirm that Nigel is not in fact a fish,’ said the UKIP spokesperson, speaking on condition he not be grilled or turned into a piquant carpaccio.

‘He just smokes like a fish,’ the spokesperson who isn’t a fish either added.

Responding to the point that Farage has aligned the party with some of the most notorious fish in Europe, the spokesperson insisted that Farage had done nothing of the sort.

‘These fine fish are ex-fish. They have confirmed in writing that they are strictly former fish and that they have renounced fishiness.’

Said Paul Dacrefish, political analyst of the Daily Haddock, ‘Old Nigel is no fish. He’s a bit of a piscine head, but he’s no fish as such.’

After the European vote: Where next for England?

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He voted to leave Europe

The results of the European election are in. Now it’s clear that England, fed up with neighbours, noise and diversity, has voted to leave Europe, the Cannibal asks which continent the country would like to join instead.

 

North America

At first glance a winner: right next door to all those film stars and super-size servings of heart attack.

Downside? It’s North America. No sense of irony. The US doesn’t want neighbours either and builds walls to keep them out. And as for that special relationship, most Americans think England is to be found between New York and Canada. And then there’s Canada. Can you put up with the world’s most affable people coming round to be friendly every five minutes, and wearing plaid at the same time? No. Just not English.

 

Asian sub continent

Fantastic food and should be a good laugh considering the way we’ve treated people who’ve tried to move from there to England.

 

Africa

Great cultures and diversity, fantastic music, fab scenery and an entire zoo outside the front gate. This place has definite possibilities.

Standard of living a bit patchy and the quality of life potentially marred by internecine conflicts and bizarre viruses with difficult names. Moving next to the very people UKIP have been demonising might hit property values. Their property values, not ours.

 

Antarctica

Advantages: cute penguins, lots of privacy. But: will bring us face to face with the consequences of climate change we don’t believe in and might get swamped by the waves caused by collapsing ice shelves. Chilly even compared to Morecombe.

 

South America

Too exciting. The average English head would explode confronted with all that movement and colour. Would also place the nation in close proximity to millions of speakers of Spanish and Portuguese, two languages we have been busy not learning for hundreds of years.

Some people might think it a laugh to anchor England next to the Falklands, but would change their mind when they discover there’s even less chance of a summer there than in our current location and the defence force jets keep the dogs barking all night.

 

East Asia

Good food and the promise of weird esoteric stuff, but if you’re bothered by neighbours here, try living next door to China or North Korea.

 

Australia

Don’t even think about it. We wouldn’t get close. They’d send out the navy and tow us back where we came from.

 

The Pacific

Now we’re talking. Not so much a continent as a huge, empty patch of wet, the middle of the Pacific would have the advantage of nice weather and no bothersome neighbours or funny languages to deal with, unless you wanted to learn to speak fish.

 

Revealed: how the Titanic didn’t sink

Today the startling truth was revealed about the fate of the infamous cruise liner the Titanic.
For over 100 years it was thought that the Titanic hit an iceberg in the Atlantic and sank with the loss of over 1,500 lives. In reality, the Titanic did not sink, but after discharging its passengers sailed on to a secret location on a secret and sinister mission.

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The Titanic: very much afloat. Does this look like a sunken ship?

The hidden history of the Titanic has been revealed by a dedicated team of bloggers.
“The whole sinking myth of the Titanic was created to hide the fact that the ship was hijacked, and the mainstream media has been only too happy to repeat this lie to a credulous public,’ says blogger thetruthisnothere on his site Loads-of-Bollocks.con.
Painstaking research that involved literally an hour or two on Google led thetruthisnothere and his colleagues to the truth.
‘The ship was in fact remotely hijacked by the United States. It has long been known that the US has this fly-by-wire technology whereby they can hack a ship’s systems with satellites and take control. This is clearly what happened to the Titanic. No other explanation makes sense.’
The investigations have thrown up an account that is chilling in its detail.
‘The passengers were put into lifeboats but it’s significant that the crew stayed on board. Why would they do that if they were sinking? You get off sinking ships,don’t you. You don’t hang around. They were in fact planning to sail the ship away.’
The bloggers cite gaps and inconsistencies in the official story.
‘There’s not a shred of evidence that the Titanic sank. No photographs. No video. And all the witnesses are conveniently “dead”. I mean, you just don’t lose a ship that size in the ocean, do you.’
The story is as watertight as the Titanic.
‘The big give away is that the ship was made to be unsinkable, so that it sank beggars belief. The sea was calm as a millpond. It hit a lump of ice? Come off it!’
The team of bloggers is very clear about what really happened to the
Titanic. ‘Under orders from the US secret services and their Isreali handlers, the ship went on to its ultimate, secret destination, the top secret US base on Diego Garcia.
It makes so much more sense than the plainly faked iceberg story.
Secret military base or iceberg – which would you choose?’
The motives for the US hijacking the Titanic are as murky as the Atlantic depths themselves.
‘Of course we don’t know why the US would want to steal a ship. That’s secret, innit. So we’ve taken that as incontrovertible proof that it was disguised as an aeroplane and flown into the World Trade Centre on 9/11 to further the ends of the Jewish-American New World Conspiracy. I mean, even the names are similar: cruise liner, air liner. No way that’s a coincidence. Either that or it’s still at Diego Garcia housing the passengers and crew of flight MH370. I mean, the US has to put them somewhere after hijacking that aeroplane too. Nothing else makes sense.’