Revealed: how the Titanic didn’t sink

Today the startling truth was revealed about the fate of the infamous cruise liner the Titanic.
For over 100 years it was thought that the Titanic hit an iceberg in the Atlantic and sank with the loss of over 1,500 lives. In reality, the Titanic did not sink, but after discharging its passengers sailed on to a secret location on a secret and sinister mission.

image loading if the NSA hasn't knicked it
The Titanic: very much afloat. Does this look like a sunken ship?

The hidden history of the Titanic has been revealed by a dedicated team of bloggers.
“The whole sinking myth of the Titanic was created to hide the fact that the ship was hijacked, and the mainstream media has been only too happy to repeat this lie to a credulous public,’ says blogger thetruthisnothere on his site Loads-of-Bollocks.con.
Painstaking research that involved literally an hour or two on Google led thetruthisnothere and his colleagues to the truth.
‘The ship was in fact remotely hijacked by the United States. It has long been known that the US has this fly-by-wire technology whereby they can hack a ship’s systems with satellites and take control. This is clearly what happened to the Titanic. No other explanation makes sense.’
The investigations have thrown up an account that is chilling in its detail.
‘The passengers were put into lifeboats but it’s significant that the crew stayed on board. Why would they do that if they were sinking? You get off sinking ships,don’t you. You don’t hang around. They were in fact planning to sail the ship away.’
The bloggers cite gaps and inconsistencies in the official story.
‘There’s not a shred of evidence that the Titanic sank. No photographs. No video. And all the witnesses are conveniently “dead”. I mean, you just don’t lose a ship that size in the ocean, do you.’
The story is as watertight as the Titanic.
‘The big give away is that the ship was made to be unsinkable, so that it sank beggars belief. The sea was calm as a millpond. It hit a lump of ice? Come off it!’
The team of bloggers is very clear about what really happened to the
Titanic. ‘Under orders from the US secret services and their Isreali handlers, the ship went on to its ultimate, secret destination, the top secret US base on Diego Garcia.
It makes so much more sense than the plainly faked iceberg story.
Secret military base or iceberg – which would you choose?’
The motives for the US hijacking the Titanic are as murky as the Atlantic depths themselves.
‘Of course we don’t know why the US would want to steal a ship. That’s secret, innit. So we’ve taken that as incontrovertible proof that it was disguised as an aeroplane and flown into the World Trade Centre on 9/11 to further the ends of the Jewish-American New World Conspiracy. I mean, even the names are similar: cruise liner, air liner. No way that’s a coincidence. Either that or it’s still at Diego Garcia housing the passengers and crew of flight MH370. I mean, the US has to put them somewhere after hijacking that aeroplane too. Nothing else makes sense.’

UKIP’s mouthful of homophobia

UKIP candidate Douglas Denny has claimed that ‘abnormal gays are ramming it down my throat’.
Can we suggest to Mr Denny, who is standing for city council in Portsmouth, stop hanging out with abnormal people and hang out with regular gay people instead.
If he doesn’t like having it rammed down his throat, perhaps he could try keeping his mouth shut.
Mr Denny’s homophobia is endorsed by UKIP chairman Stuart Potter.