Special interview with David Cameron

Today we bring you an exclusive interview with the prime minister of the United Kingdom: Mr David Cameron.

Cannibal’s Gazette: Mr Cameron, thank you for agreeing to talk to us.
David Cameron: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Germany has agreed to take hundreds of thousands of the Syrian refugees that have flooded into Europe, but Britain has agreed to take only 24,000 over two years. Why such a difference to Germany’s response?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Moreover, there is a government plan to deport the children of refugees when they become 18 years old. What is the thinking behind that?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: ISIS. The government said that it would not bomb ISIS in Syria, yet RAF drones are doing precisely that. What’s that about?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Those drones seem to used as assassination tools, targeting British members of ISIS. These people are being killed, yet there is no due process. How can you justify an assassination programme?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Does the government keep a hit list of British ISIS members with the intention of killing them?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Badger culls are based on bad science, they are expensive and have no effect. How do you justify persisting with them?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: You have promised to be the greenest government this country has ever seen, but you are stopping funds to green projects. Is that not inconsistent?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: The policy of austerity has been discredited by many economists, is unpopular with the people of this country and leads to suffering. Why do you cling to this policy?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Are you going to report on or investigate the deaths of people from whom benefits have been withheld?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: In what way is Jeremy Corbyn a threat to national security?
DC: …
CG: Prime Minister?
DC: Look, if you are going to sink to gotcha questions, I’m afraid I can’t go on with this interview. Goodbye.

David Cameron: singing for our supper

 

Following Johnny Marr forbidding David Cameron from liking The Smiths, Radiohead’s Thom Yorke has offered to “sue the living shit” out of Cameron if he uses any of his music to promote the Conservatives.

Blancmange
David Cameron. Isn’t he yummy?

Which tells us he no more understands the music he purports to listen to than how to manage the country he purports to run.

We would have thought that Cameron’s taste would have been The Choir of the City of London’s album of Stentorian Chants, Give us your Money, Give it to us Now. Or perhaps Ken Dodgy and the Diddy David’s singing Marmalise the Poor.

Both releases used to be available from your local high street branch of HMV.

So how does Cameron rate for edibility? If your taste is for instant, pink blancmange that has been left in the rain overnight, then Cammers is your dish.