British prime ministers: a brain spotter’s guide

3980674-3x4-700x933Margaret Thatcher

— 1879 to forever

Killed a lot of Argentine people to curry favour with a catatonic home population. Bottled the unions and ordinaryhardworkingpeopleeverywhere while introducing free market fundamentalism.

‘Trickle-down’, they called it when it was actually ‘piss on’.


The man who wasn’t there

— Whenever to whenever (No pictures exist)

The man who wasn’t there was most notable for calling his own cabinet members bastards bastards, for which deed alone he ought to be commemorated as the best prime minister Britain ever had, but somehow even that achievement has failed to render him a legacy or even a shadow in the national memory.

Tony BlairTory Blair

— 1997 to too long

To be fair to the guy, he did calm things down in Northern Ireland, but this achievement was totally overshadowed by war crimes such as invading Iraq and Afghanistan, turning the Labour party into Tory lite while sucking deeply on Margaret Thatcher. As sane as a bag of hallucinating hair clippings.

His initials are shorthand for tuberculosis.

Gordon_Brown_inv_x200pxGordon Brown

— 2007 to 2010

The man with all the charm and charisma of a an old cushion much urinated upon by the family dog. In 2008, when the free market fucked up and threatened to take us all back to the ice age, he stepped in and gave all your money to the failing banks who then used it to give their execs boner-sized bonuses.

Essentially, in his vision and presence, he was Labour’s version of John Major.


pig_inv_x200David Cameron

— 2010-2016

Fuck’s sake! Sexual molester of dead pigs, Eton rifler — called a referendum on membership of the EU in order to shut up the more rabid wing of his own party assuming no one would turn up to vote, then watched as the tabloids led the Tory rats in hanging a swastika over the country. He reacted by running away, escaping any consequences for his actions. Gormless, entitled, inbred retard.

Oh, and did I mention he is a fucker of dead pigs?

May_monster_inv_cg_x200y272Theresa May

— 2016-2017

The woman who looks permanently like she just found a cockroach in her mouth. Was against Brexit, but drew the short straw when Cammers ran away with his pig, became the unelected PM in charge of taking the country out of the EU she wanted to stay in. Seeing a chance to kill the opposition and get her own way in everything, she leapt at it and lost both her majority and her political legacy. Into the bargain she lost whatever small credibility she might have had left by shoring up her failing government with a gang of barking medievalists.

Now read on.

medieval_torture_saw_x200pxThe DUP

— 2017-the end of the world in fire and brimstone with gnashing teeth

Collectively, the current prime minister despite the fact that no one in England, Scotland or Wales voted for them. They are ‘shoring up’ Theresa May’s failed government to the tune of a 1 to 1.5 billion quid bung. The chief DUP’s chief witch was flown to and from London from her lair to the tune of £20,000 of your money — or two years’ university tuition for your kid. But the DUP have a quaint and endearing olde worlde kind of side to them. For example, they believe that gay people are an abomination, that climate change doesn’t exist, that the creation story in the Bible is real, that witch dunking is good for the soul, and they harbour a deep and irrational resentment for winning a war against their Catholic neighbours in the 17th century.

Special interview with David Cameron

Today we bring you an exclusive interview with the prime minister of the United Kingdom: Mr David Cameron.

Cannibal’s Gazette: Mr Cameron, thank you for agreeing to talk to us.
David Cameron: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Germany has agreed to take hundreds of thousands of the Syrian refugees that have flooded into Europe, but Britain has agreed to take only 24,000 over two years. Why such a difference to Germany’s response?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Moreover, there is a government plan to deport the children of refugees when they become 18 years old. What is the thinking behind that?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: ISIS. The government said that it would not bomb ISIS in Syria, yet RAF drones are doing precisely that. What’s that about?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Those drones seem to used as assassination tools, targeting British members of ISIS. These people are being killed, yet there is no due process. How can you justify an assassination programme?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Does the government keep a hit list of British ISIS members with the intention of killing them?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Badger culls are based on bad science, they are expensive and have no effect. How do you justify persisting with them?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: You have promised to be the greenest government this country has ever seen, but you are stopping funds to green projects. Is that not inconsistent?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: The policy of austerity has been discredited by many economists, is unpopular with the people of this country and leads to suffering. Why do you cling to this policy?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: Are you going to report on or investigate the deaths of people from whom benefits have been withheld?
DC: Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security.
CG: In what way is Jeremy Corbyn a threat to national security?
DC: …
CG: Prime Minister?
DC: Look, if you are going to sink to gotcha questions, I’m afraid I can’t go on with this interview. Goodbye.

David Cameron: singing for our supper


Following Johnny Marr forbidding David Cameron from liking The Smiths, Radiohead’s Thom Yorke has offered to “sue the living shit” out of Cameron if he uses any of his music to promote the Conservatives.

David Cameron. Isn’t he yummy?

Which tells us he no more understands the music he purports to listen to than how to manage the country he purports to run.

We would have thought that Cameron’s taste would have been The Choir of the City of London’s album of Stentorian Chants, Give us your Money, Give it to us Now. Or perhaps Ken Dodgy and the Diddy David’s singing Marmalise the Poor.

Both releases used to be available from your local high street branch of HMV.

So how does Cameron rate for edibility? If your taste is for instant, pink blancmange that has been left in the rain overnight, then Cammers is your dish.