Breaking breaking broken — Starmer promises Tories to be good little boy

It’s official: Keir Starmar has pledged to not disagree with the Conservative party on anything. In a development that is of no surprise to anyone, he has indeed pledged to be a good little Tory. 

In a forthcoming speech to the CBI, Sir Keir, is promising not to ‘throw cash at’ the UK’s problems. In doing so he is conspicuously positioning himself with the addled shit grandfathers and van drivers all over the country shout at the telly at any mention of Labour.

Starmer will swear upon his heart and hope to die that he would not do anything that unhinged, laissez faire capitalism wouldn’t do. So no absolutely no help for the most vulnerable, the victims of the rampant market, or the environment, and that he would definitely offer a succouring tit to everyone in the CBI and their dogs. 

Presumably, rather than throwing cash at problems, he will, if elected prime minister [cue canned guffaws] continue to throw cash at the chums of the Conservative party, as has been fiscal policy of every Conservative government ever. 

Sources close to the Labour leader — bacteria growing in his synapses  — have told The Cannibal’s Gazette that he promised Jacob Rees-Mogg he would be a good boy in exchange for a ride in one of Jacob’s two Bentleys. Though who he would be riding was not clear nor where JRM would source the ride since neither Jeffrey Epstein nor Ghislaine Maxwell are currently available. 

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