Ten things you definitely shouldn’t do while holding scissors

Here are ten things you shouldn't do while holding scissors: 1) Use the toilet. 2) Attend the school dance. 3)  Jump off the high dive at the public swimming pool. 4)  Go skydiving. 5)  Walk into the Louvre. 6)  Show up at a hospital nursery. 7)  Look your best friend in the eyes and say, … Continue reading Ten things you definitely shouldn’t do while holding scissors


GOD: In the beginning there was a poem about a GodIn His once upon a time was His happy ever after.Emerging from the chrysalis of His own potentialityHe stood, immaculately conceived, top filled to bright brim with youthfulvigourLike a March calf amongst the buttercupsAt the solid base of His consciousness-And there He waited, panting with … Continue reading God:

Russell Howard: the obituary

Obituary: 2020 is shaping up to be, without question an annus horribilis, for many reasons; not just because of our farkakte Prime Minster & assembled conservative clowns, but for the unanticipated depletion of UK light entertainment & great British games shows. Sadly we’ve whispered tearful adieus to many tragically departed troupers, the like of whom … Continue reading Russell Howard: the obituary

Tory Twats — no.27 in an infinite series — Lord Bethell

The Right Royal Cockwomble Award, an all-too-frequent honour bestowed exclusively by The Cannibal’s Gazette. The Right Honourable The Lord ‘Jim’ Bethell Lord Bethell this week reassured a nation of dispossessed teens whose life chances have just been shit away by a Tory shit-making algorithm that having your head forcibly held in a bucket of liquid … Continue reading Tory Twats — no.27 in an infinite series — Lord Bethell

In memoriam: Arron Banks


In memoriam: Baron Wanks, who is drowning in a sea of his own shit.

This week, Brexit bankroller Arron Banks wished a 16-year-old girl, environmental campaigner Greta Thunberg dead.

No comment is necessary.

But I’m going to comment anyway.

This is what Brexit, UKIP, the Brexit Party, the Conservatives and all their supporters are about. Death threats and actual murder (Jo Cox).

That’s it.

No, that’s not it.

There is an intimate relationship between Brexit and the climate crisis. A certain demographic in the world of money wants the destruction of all regulations on labour, human rights, the environment and so on, to enable unfettered money making. They are consciously creating a world in which corporates can shovel up even more dosh from us. They see the EU and environmental campaigns as inconveniences and obstructions to their ends.

This is not a new project: it has been in progress…

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Tweety tweety tweetvert

Chris Page

Tweetverts for the recent book, Sanctioned.


All my own work (the tweetverts and the book).


I tracked down the actual fonts used by The Sun and copied their typography for maximum tabloid effect. (Any echoes of Barbara Kruger may not be entirely accidental.)


Engagement with my tweets has noticeably gone up since I started bleeping out these.


Made with InDesign, Photoshop, and lots and lots of tea.

Yes, you may commission me for graphic projects. Tweetverts for the recent book, Sanctioned.

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