UKIP news – Nigel Farage is not a fish

A UKIP spokesperson today confirmed that leader Nigel Farage is not in fact a fish.

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Not a fish.

‘I can confirm that Nigel is not in fact a fish,’ said the UKIP spokesperson, speaking on condition he not be grilled or turned into a piquant carpaccio.

‘He just smokes like a fish,’ the spokesperson who isn’t a fish either added.

Responding to the point that Farage has aligned the party with some of the most notorious fish in Europe, the spokesperson insisted that Farage had done nothing of the sort.

‘These fine fish are ex-fish. They have confirmed in writing that they are strictly former fish and that they have renounced fishiness.’

Said Paul Dacrefish, political analyst of the Daily Haddock, ‘Old Nigel is no fish. He’s a bit of a piscine head, but he’s no fish as such.’

After the European vote: Where next for England?

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He voted to leave Europe

The results of the European election are in. Now it’s clear that England, fed up with neighbours, noise and diversity, has voted to leave Europe, the Cannibal asks which continent the country would like to join instead.


North America

At first glance a winner: right next door to all those film stars and super-size servings of heart attack.

Downside? It’s North America. No sense of irony. The US doesn’t want neighbours either and builds walls to keep them out. And as for that special relationship, most Americans think England is to be found between New York and Canada. And then there’s Canada. Can you put up with the world’s most affable people coming round to be friendly every five minutes, and wearing plaid at the same time? No. Just not English.


Asian sub continent

Fantastic food and should be a good laugh considering the way we’ve treated people who’ve tried to move from there to England.



Great cultures and diversity, fantastic music, fab scenery and an entire zoo outside the front gate. This place has definite possibilities.

Standard of living a bit patchy and the quality of life potentially marred by internecine conflicts and bizarre viruses with difficult names. Moving next to the very people UKIP have been demonising might hit property values. Their property values, not ours.



Advantages: cute penguins, lots of privacy. But: will bring us face to face with the consequences of climate change we don’t believe in and might get swamped by the waves caused by collapsing ice shelves. Chilly even compared to Morecombe.


South America

Too exciting. The average English head would explode confronted with all that movement and colour. Would also place the nation in close proximity to millions of speakers of Spanish and Portuguese, two languages we have been busy not learning for hundreds of years.

Some people might think it a laugh to anchor England next to the Falklands, but would change their mind when they discover there’s even less chance of a summer there than in our current location and the defence force jets keep the dogs barking all night.


East Asia

Good food and the promise of weird esoteric stuff, but if you’re bothered by neighbours here, try living next door to China or North Korea.



Don’t even think about it. We wouldn’t get close. They’d send out the navy and tow us back where we came from.


The Pacific

Now we’re talking. Not so much a continent as a huge, empty patch of wet, the middle of the Pacific would have the advantage of nice weather and no bothersome neighbours or funny languages to deal with, unless you wanted to learn to speak fish.