In the news this week, yet another Conservative MP has allegedly been caught with someone else’s underpants down. An as-yet unnamed former minister has been arrested on charges of rape and sexual assault.
Once again, an elected representative has elected to get stuck in as only a right honourable gentleman knows how.
The nation waits with excruciating anticipation and bundled tissues to find out the name of this pokey parliamentarian.
The honourable gentleman follows in a long tradition of rapiness, assault, misogyny, and general grabbiness in the established international style of ISIS and pussy grabbing leader of the free world Donald Trump. Not to be outdone by fundamentalist psychopaths or a fat twat flaunting an attention-seeking syrup, posh Etonians are keeping their ends up other people’s nethers.
All of which demands the question: England, just how rapey is your MP?
Charlie Elphicke (Conservative)
The arrest of the former minister comes hot on the heels of the conviction of former whip Charlie Elphicke who is the first MP in a generation to be convicted of sexual assault. How rapey is Mr Elphicke? Well, DNA recovered from semen stains across his victim’s thong and his subsequent conviction answers that.
Sir Christopher Chope (Conservative)
The Chopper, as he is affectionately known in Parliament — not because of the proportions of his appendage, but because of his habit of blocking perfectly good bills that simply looked at him a bit funny or got in the way of his perving — has not been convicted or even accused of sex crimes, yet manages to be one of the rapiest MPs despite that. In 2018 he blocked the passage of a bill that would have made upskirting a criminal offence. The same year, Chopper cemented his interest in making female genitalia available to all interested parties by blocking a bill that would have strengthened protection for children at risk of FGM.
Mark Field (Conservative)
Like Christopher Chope, Mr Field has not been accused of any sexual assaults. However, he likes grabbing ladies, as evidenced when he physically assaulted a female Greenpeace protester on camera. While Mr Field might have learned a bit about painful neck grips and manhandling women in his army days, it seems he didn’t learn much about credible threats to safety. Challenged over his assault, he explained he feared the lady protester might be armed (a claim that has become a get-out-of-jail free card for uniforms and suits everywhere). However, he did not explain what led him to think the lady might be concealing a gun or weapon of mass destruction in her elegant and tight-fitting evening dress.
Mark Francois (Conservative)
At the time of writing, Mr Francois has not yet been accused of anything other than being a total prick. We include him on this list because — well, he’s a total prick. As for his rapiness, aside from the fact that he looks like a debauched garden gnome inflated with a high pressure air pump and stuffed in a grey sack, just look at the slobber on his chin.
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (Conservative)
This one is the nominal prime minister, by the way. Mr Johnson has not been accused of assault. He has been accused of groping. Not the same as rape we grant you. Given that allegation and his history of relentless of power-assisted philandering, of leaving a still-unspecified number of unclaimed children in his wake and given that he had an aristocratic barney with his lady partner so noisy that police officers were called, he deserves a little mention here.
David Cameron (Conservative)
The greased pig was unable to give consent, being dead and all that.
Jeremy Corbyn (Labour)
Not a rapist or assaulter of women or children at all as far as we can tell, yet the most maligned man in British political history. Accused by the tabloids of seemingly everything from eating live kittens, to making jam, to inclement weather, to having a beard, to being personally responsible for the Holocaust, we can assume that he was probably associated with serious sexual assault by implication or innuendo by the tabs at some point.
Jacob Rees-Mogg (Conservative) and Mark Spencer (Conservative)
Again, not accused of rape or assault themselves, they were told of the allegations against our mystery man some weeks ago and did nothing which is an elegant statement of their regard for the allegations and the women involved, and points to a certain retrospective complicity; while not actually holding down the victim, their silence was the same sort of thing.
The Conservative Party (Conservative)
It ain’t just Rees-Mogg and Spencer, you know. The party was told of allegations against Charlie Elphicke a whole year before he was charged and collectively connived to do nothing. They did eventually withdraw the whip at one stage, but gave it right back to him when they realised they needed his tainted love.
Parliament (Almost all parties and their dogs)
2017 Westminster sexual scandals: it seems everyone was at it or had been at it. Parliament was revealed to be a Boschean pit of degeneracy with MPs attacking their staff on the benches of the chamber, in the hallways, on the roof, and even in the tea room, dear God. And at about the same time, the police were investigating the assaults of children going back decades. The investigation into paedophilia failed to discover the dungeons full of chained children in the bowels of the motherfucker of all parliaments for the general and casual use of all, rather like a pink, squirming water fountain or a buffet of pale bottoms.
Of course, an MP’s life is not solely one of assaulting those around them. Their main occupation is shafting the entire fucking country.
So there you have it. How rapey is your MP? Apparently, pretty rapey indeed. So who’s the actual rapiest? What’s your opinion? What do you know that the police or the media don’t yet? Let us know by leaving photos in a plain brown bag taped the third arch beneath Vauxhall Bridge or a comment below.
Text by Chris Page and Evan Findlay Hay, illustrations by Nails Nathan
Rapey footnote
On September 15th (the year of our Cannibal 2020) Charlie Elphicke, Conservative MP and star of this very page, was banged up for a two-er following his conviction for sexual assault. Along with the honourable MPs liberty have gone his daughter, wife, and dosh. Who has stood beside him? Well, no less than thirty-four people, some or all of whom are, evidently, MPs, signed character witness statements. Oddly, the MPs who supported the sex offender remain anonymous, perhaps not wishing to make their own rapiness too obvious to the hoi polloi who elected them.
However, at the time of writing, there is still no update on the #ToryRapist who obviously can’t possibly have been mentioned on this page, can he.
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