Priti Patel is not a bully. We know that because when she heard we were doing an article on her, she came round, broke our pencils, put gravel in the coffee maker, then set fire to the hamster and smacked our heads with its smoking remains.
So that’s clear and definite, then.
Priti is not a bully.
You heard it here.
Contacted for comment, a senior government figure who was unable to reveal his identity because of a butt-plug in his mouth, told the Cannibal, ‘Priti embodies perfectly the values of the government which serves her. Especially through her tyrefitter’s grip.’
Ms Patel, the home secretary, is famous for her endearing smirk, which she hones by drowning small helpless things in buckets every day.
So, can we have our kneecaps back now?