Priti’s balls-up of string

Build a wall, and build it of finest string!

This is Priti Patel in Trump mode on discovering that bricks and barbed wire don’t float. 

As democracy burns in the UK, Prime Minister Cummings is determined we should keep our eyes firmly locked on displaced families floundering in the Channel, and there is no better bot for the job that Priti Patel, who has suggested ‘offshoring’ the ‘problem’.

This involves herding the refugees off the beach and on to flights for Ascension Island, Moldova, Papua New Guinea, or Morocco to internment camps that are yet to be built.

Taxpayers (hi!) wondering about the costs of the flights and the internment camps haven’t received an answer. However, Australia’s own offshoring and internment policy costs about $7.2 billion dollars per year. The Home Office has determined that by removing the humanitarian standards and safeguards that Australia employs they could reduce that cost by as much as 36p. 

Questions about the price are relevant and poignant as more and more people lose their jobs to Brexit and the Covid-19 chaos. The furlough scheme is ending, businesses and the self employed are getting no support while money that could be spent supporting citizens is being spent on further displacing displaced people. 

The great benefit of the offshoring plan, of course, is that it’s another great shake of the money tree, as it will direct a lot more of your money toward private companies run by friends of the people making the policies who will build and manage the camps and provide the flights.

Watch this space for more chilling Tales of the Money Tree in coming posts. 

British citizens suffering the Covid bite were recently offered a government app to help them repurpose their lives to the new reality. The app told welders to re-train as ballerinas and ballerinas to retrain as welders. However, it seems that the best option for the unemployed in Britain is to get into leaking rubber boats and paddle for Dover because they are likely t get a square meal on their onward flight to Ascension. 

Other plans by the Home Office include putting nets in the channel to catch refugees in whole shoals. Nets will soon be plentiful and cheap to procure as Brexit collapses the fishing industry.

The net plans were condemned by Nigel Farage as being dangerous and likely to lead to loss of life. If a swivel-eyed, not-so-crypto-fascist loon is talking a better humanitarian line than your government you have a serious problem. 

Meanwhile a leak from inside the cabinet reveals plans to send the robot Priti Patel back in time, like a legislation-crazed terminator, to retrospectively amend past acts of parliament to stop migrants ever coming into the country. If successful, this would cancel out Patel’s own existence.

Words and art by Chris Page

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