Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone, so please excuse brevity, spelling & punctuation

Sent from my iPhone whilst dieting, so please excuse an 8-point-font

Sent from my iPhone during a senior moment, so with all due respect Missy- excuse spelling & punctuation

Sent from my iPhone clad head-to-toe in hard-wearing corduroy whilst tuning pianoforte along the Cotswold Way, so pitched perfectly- excuse punctuation

Sent from my iPhone iTyped with iThumbs, so excuse brevity-spelling & punctuation

Sent from my iPhone within an eruv in NW-London: it’s not some clever legal trick trying to avoid a rule

Sent from my iPhone resident in the People’s Republic of Conformity so just excuse apathetic listlessness

Sent from my iPhone whilst drinking Dr. Pepper, what’s the worst that can happen?

Sent from my iPhone: I’m struggling anxiously to increase sales volume by 20% (in accordance with an inflexible corporate strategy) so excuse brevity, spelling

Sent from my iPhone scunnered by 5-decades-of-wage-slavery so excuse self-pity 

Sent from my iPhone having been advised to place my personal feelings aside whilst learning for a fact that I’m definitely not receiving what I thought I deserved, & now apparently, I need to envision the bigger objective first- so please excuse my tears

Sent from my iPhone- currently chained to my Mrs whilst she untiringly seeks ever more inventive-onerous-opportunities to break hard rock’s together- shoot me

Sent from my iPhone whilst navigating from wife-through-girlfriend-onto-lover: have a heart cock, & excuse brevity or any STD

Sent from my iPhone whilst having my shirt lifted in the famous Cockring-night-club, so excuse double-dutch spelling

Sent from my iPhone whilst being probed by Prince Hisahito of Akishino; excuse this inscrutable Japanese text

Sent from my iPhone whilst perched painfully upon a spinning fickle-finger-of-fate, so excuse me all over the place

Sent from my iPhone inspired by Bruno Manser, so get naked, camouflage your face & start blow-piping lumberjacks

Sent from my iPhone during black mass at a local coven- so until next time: merry-meet-merry-part-&-merry-meet-again fellow pagan xx

Sent from my iPhone energetically riding a wart-hog; excuse casual animal cruelty

Sent from my iPhone whilst wanking please excuse typos, brevity & spunk

Sent from my iPhone whilst running naked across the common, closely pursued by community officers, so please excuse typos & brevity

Sent from my iPhone whilst being dishonourably discharged from an internship with our local coastal Edelweiss Pirates, so please excuse brevity, spelling & punctuation

Sent from my iPhone at home alone listening to Carmina Burana on full volume: my wife’s left me, so please excuse typos or punctuation

Sent from my iPhone reflecting upon my unforgivably bestial behaviour, increasingly concerned that my shame shall long outlive my trials & tribulations

Sent from my iPhone presently inside a coffin buried somewhere in SE-England with only 9% of phone battery remaining & perhaps another hour’s oxygen- if I do dig myself out, I’ll respond fully tomorrow: but for now- thanks for keeping me au-courant with your debauches. Do please excuse typos, punctuation & brevity etc.

— Evan Hay

Sent from my iPhone was originally published on Ink Sweat and Tears

Art by Nails Nathan

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